So I already have a job, and it's a good one, and I like it, and all the rest. But, I would really like to walk into Georgetown Cupcakes, and tell them "put me on the TV."
You see, this week Georgetown Cupcakes posted on Facebook that they will be hiring a full-time manager and part-time sales reps. I've been preparing my whole life for those gigs. Essentially every part of my experience as a human being has prepared me to be in the cupcake sales business. So despite the fact that I won't be applying for employment opportunities with Georgetown Cupcakes, I can't stop from imagining myself in the position. I've compiled a list of reasons why I'm perfect for the job, and if I were going to apply, this is what I would say:
1) I know the competition.
I can guarantee that one thing I have above any other applicant is the sheer volume of cupcakes I have consumed in my lifetime. It could take someone years to catch up to the amount of cupcakes I've had the opportunity to sample. And when it comes to DC cupcakes, I've already ranked and assessed the competition. Based on that information, I could do a SWAT analysis for Georgetown Cupcakes so fast that's it's unreasonable. Things they could do: vegan and gluten free offerings, mobile cupcakes, and in store cupcake making classes. I know about cupcakes.
And while Georgetown Cupcakes is the obvious top dog on the DC cupcakes scene, some NYC cupcakes are currently crossing into DC cupcake turf. That's right, Crumbs is coming to town. Georgetown Cupcakes shouldn't sleep easy just yet.
2) I actually don't care that much about being on TV.
The major perk of the job for me would be the cupcakes, not the reality television. In general, I care way more about cupcakes than I do about television. In fact, I generally disagree with reality television. I disagree with it about as much as I disagree with the idea of putting the internet on my phone. I think its gross. So you wouldn't find me distracted by the fact that Georgetown Cupcakes has had a wildly popular, yet fairly mediocre television show. Ain't no thing. Just give me a little free product and I'm on board. But if you put a camera in front of my face, I swear to God I'll work it.
3) I have experience in selling high end sweets.
It's true. In an act of making my dreams reality, I got a summer job working for a candy store in the Pentagon. The place is called Edward Marc Chocolatier, and it's where I sell people sugar all day long. I help people win the battle against reasonable adulthood to gain the courage to break their diets and buy way more candy than is necessary. And I know how this battle works because all day long my brain is in a battle about just how much sugar to consume. The answer is always lots. You deserve it.
4) I believe in cupcakes like I believe in me.
Think cupcakes are just a trend? That's like saying that fast food is just a trend. Or that America is just a trend. People are far too individualistic (and selfish) to want to share their cake. Now I don't think that all of these 10,000 cupcakes shops in DC will survive, but I do think cupcakes are here to stay. So don't believe the things you hear about frozen yogurt.
5) I'm not Georgetown Cupcakes' biggest fan.
I think I've made it obvious in previous posts that I can be critical of Georgetown Cupcakes. Right, they have delicious-insane cupcakes. But I think I could help Georgetown Cupcakes reach people who aren't interested in the hyper-bougie elite yupster feel. Just saying.
6) I would never work harder for anything in my life.
Like I've said, I really like cupcakes.